I've been having a rough night...I think it mostly has to do with the fact that the more I sit silently, the more I realize my humanity, which isn't necessarily a bad thing...just hard. There is just so much ugliness in my heart, so much refining that needs to be done. Sometimes in the silence, when all my thoughts come up, I wonder if I'm truly saved and if I've been changed even in the least bit by the Holy Spirit. John was talking today at church about Jesus and that it was a costly grace. I feel like I need a deeper revelation of what the truly means. I need a deeper knowledge of who Jesus is. Then I will know that despite ALL of my shortcomings, He still is working in my life. I'm not questioning my salivation really...I guess you could say that I am aware of my need for a Savior. I don't even understand fully.
"Oh wretched man that I am." "Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be."
I guess its a good thing that I am learning to hate my sin. How is it possible to stop sinning? The outward action sins aren't too difficult to stop, its the ones that are rooted in my heart, in my brain...bitterness, jealousy, pride. How do you stop those?
Jesus let me know you more!!!
"This is Jesus in His glory, King of Heaven dying for me. It is finished He has done it. Death is beaten. Heaven beckons me."
Today in Sunday school we talked about sin and salvation. Donnie told us that the very fact that we find ourselves struggling with sin is an encouraging testimony to the working of the Holy Spirit in us. I have found myself so humbled this week by how fleshy I am... it was encouraging to be reminded that my awareness of it is God at work in me. I am sitting in coffee zone right now, 'studying' and really wishing you could be here chatting with me. MUAH!
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